Basketpoop

Normally I speak of how shitty the league is, but today I want to talk about how league-y shit is. And by that I mean player's that can be translated into particular types of poop.

For example: The Tony Parker = The floater poop. Tony Parker is known for floating shots over tall men in the paint. This poop is known for floating to the bowl over your taint.

You get the idea. Anyway here we go.

The Pacers = This is the type of poop that disappears. You look at the bowl, and there's no poop to be found. You swear that it was there, you felt it, but when you looked, it was gone.

The Blake Griffin = Messy, and goes hard to the hole. It doesn't have the most eloquent moves, but it goes hard and fast, making a mess on the way out.

The Rocket = A team that doesn't perform well on the road can only mean a person who can't poop on the road. Can't get a road win because you're scared of someone walking in while cutting a rope? Man up!

The Deron Williams = When you blame other people for your inability to poop. "Nick made a shitty dinner, and now I'm all constipated and shit."

The Sterling = When you get very concerned by the different colors of your poop.

The Stephen Curry = The long range dump. Mostly happens when in fear of putting your precious cheeks on a public toilet (usually a porta potty). Mostly used at fairs, beaches, and sporting events. You squat above the target, and let it fly.

The Laker = Diarrhea

The Black Mamba = Long dark snakish type of poop. Usually occurs after a Halloween party.

The Garnett = Makes you talk a lot during the poop. You'll find yourself cursing, and swearing in pain during the pooping process.

That's it for now, I might update the list later after hearing some ideas from you guys.

Best and Worst of Playoffs (Commercials)

Good: Damien Lillard. Sweet new shoe contract with Adidas bro. What is this? 1994? No but really, the commercial is really good. You got football and a basketball legend (sorry Chris Webber). And Damien's acting is waaayy better than Derick Rose's, and all D-Rose needs to do is read a cue card. You win Damien!

Bad: Stephen Curry. When you're not piggybacking off of Chris Paul's StateFarm commercials, you're doing ...deodorant?! And they're not even funny commercials like Old Spice. They're a very serious, "If you work hard, you will improve," commercial about not having smelly pits.

Ugly: Amazing Spider Man 2. The Spider-Man commercial helping the TNT cast is embarrassing. For one, I hate all the movie tie-ins the NBA does during the playoffs (Van Helsing still being the worst, followed closely by the Fantastic 4). But you can't feed into the stereotype of black people being late to work. Kenny Smith is running late so Spidey swings in and delivers him to work on time? Did they stop at Waffle House for some food too? Eat shit.

Quick S/O to Craig Sager

Craig Sager has acute Leukemia, and I hope he gets well very soon.

I know there are haters on the internet that will say something about Craig and his suits...but that's why I love the dude.

Though being told a thousand times to never wear those "ugly" suits again, that man has created a niche for himself.

Hey man he should stop wearing those suits! They're fuxkin uglyy bro!

Hey man, you should own a suit. Or have anyone care about how you look besides your fat mom.
Craig knows what he's doing.
He's trolling you good, looking good, and doing good.
I hope you feel good soon Craig.

SIXERS SUx0RS

If you remember back to the beginning of the season the 76er's were undefeated. A big 3-0 record, including beating the Miami Heat.

Oh how the mighty have fallen.

The 76er's have lost 26 straight games. That's pretty impressive considering the league is fucking terrible right now.  Imagine if the 76er's were playing in a time when being 12 games under .500 didn't put you in the playoff hunt (Knicks).

I guess what's even more impressive is that the 76er's aren't the team's worse league. Nope, that honor still goes to the Milwaukee Bucks, who have been miserably sucking since the beginning of the season. Hey Philly, if you want to suck, do it right, do it from the beginning of the season. At least be consistent, geez. You can't even be the best at being the worst.

And there's a pretty good chance the Bucks will continue to be the league's worst, especially with an out of shape OJ Mayo jacking up shots (OJ Mayo may never get back into shape ever again).

Good luck Philly. Here's hoping you don't win again this season.

Andrew Bynum Out Indefinitely

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

Identity Crisis

Here's another saying that the NBA feeds us while watching a struggling team that really grinds my gears.

"The New York Knicks (or place another shitty team here) have been really struggling to find their identity this year."
Which in other words means, "You suck".

There are no direct excuses to reason why this particular team is as bad as they are. There are no injuries, no problems (besides them sucking dick too) in the front office, and the coach is probably just as helpless. So instead of an announcer outright saying this team is fucking terrible, they say, "They are really struggling to find an identity".

And how much weight can this statement carry near the All-Star break? Halfway through the season and teams are still searching to find an identity? More like they're searching to find their own assholes. If you haven't found an identity its code for you don't know how to play with the other teammates on your team.

Here are a few players that will strip your team of an identity and all hope.
-OJ Mayo
- Melo
- Dwight Howard
- Utah Jazz
- Josh Smith

I guess this cold also be a blog entry about being less selfish, but whatever, it's the NBA, where selfish happens.

Bucks Sucks

Normally I don't like trashing my Bucks, but they suck. Real bad. Super bad.

The main purpose of this small entry is to pose a simple question.

Will the Milwaukee Bucks reach 10 wins by the All-Star Game?

They're at 8 wins right now. 8 win's in 16 weeks of basketball. So I suppose statistically they need 4 more weeks to get 2 wins, which they don't have...so they may not make it...but luckily they play in the crap-filled-the-brim-of-the-bowl East.

*Side question - will a team ever give Avery Johnson another job? I don't think I can take the Roach's "analysis" much longer.

The Harlan Shake

There's an announcer named Kevin Harlan, and if you're sucker enough to watch the nationally televised games you've probably heard his voice.

"From the outside, BANG haha wow!"

"Oh he does it again, haha!"

"He's on a roll haha"

"haha OH what a pass!"

Yo Kevin, what's up with the chuckle? Nervous habit? Excited? Or are you laughing at the fact we've just wasted 3 hours of our lives watching this piece of shit on TNT/ESPN.
Regardless, Mr. Harlan seems to let out these chuckles.

Maybe someone could start a drinking game, with each laugh you need to take a sip of purple stuff in hoes that you pass the fuck out and don't need to watch the rest of the Heat and Lakers. zzZzzz.

The NBA Sucks

Here's your friendly reminder that the NBA is fucking terrible.

And right now it's at an all time low. Injuries stacked upon injuries, people ain't given a fuck (The Heat) and fans that are for some reason still buying tickets to games.
 - real quick, I saw some HBO special last night about the Sacramento Kings and some Indian dude that bought the team to keep them in the area because "that's all they got up there." And the analogy Kevin Johnson gave was if someone took Ford Motor Company out of Detroit?? Seriously!?? That much of the economy and overall health is determined by a forgettable Western Conference team? I've been to Sac Town (beautiful city, just don't eat at Jaspers)

Anyway.

Lets look at the games for tonight.

Pacers v Suns - Would be a cool game to watch if Bledsoe wasn't injured.

Spurs v Thunder - Would be better if Westbrook was there to smash on Tony Parker. I hope Popavich sits his stars.

Bulls v Cavaliers - STINKS!

Magic v Hawks - DEATH

Mavericks v Raptors - Sucks for Texans and Canadians.

Celtics v Wizards - Isn't the blizzard bad enough?

76ers v Knicks - Can we just send the entire 76er team to the D-League?

Kings v Rockets - Dwight Howard doesn't like basketball, and the Kings play like they don't.

Pistons v Bucks - Depression.

Don't Apologize

All this talk about Sherman (I know its football but it happens a lot in the NBA too) and his post game comments got me thinking about a few things.

1. Don't apologize. You said it homie. No need to go on twitter the same night or following day and tweeting out your apologies in perfect grammar about how you're not that person. Because.. you kind of are that person. You said it, and you know what? We would like you a lot more if you just stuck to your guns and say what you mean. Like Stephen Jackson. He's about dat life. Which brings me to my next point.

2. Don't Judge? I hate when people say that. "Don't judge me because of that incident..." Okay, so when are we able to judge? Not by your actions but by the things you say and want people to think? If your actions are a reflection of your character, and your actions make you look like an intolerable jackass.. then your character is probably near close to an intolerable jackass.

3. I love it. I wish there was more of this stuff going on. It would bring the WWE closer to mainstream professional sports. The NBA was most watchable and exciting when everyone fucking hated the Heat and LeBRON. Now he's won 2 championships and it's boring. It was best when every stadium was selling out in hopes of seeing their mediocre team shock the conniving Heat.
I want a team to win, and get on the mic and talk some major shit. None of this, "They're a great team, and we're lucky to come out of this with a win" bullshit. I want 2000's Trailblazer style "Fuck'em, they aint shit against us homie. They couldn't buy a bucket naw mean? haha Swagger cuh."