Suns and Blazers...and the East

Yes! Thank heavens for the Blazers and the Suns. In a league that is more predictable than a season of the Bachelor, it's good to see some spontaneity. The Blazers are by far the league's biggest surprise, meanwhile my Suns are just a little bit less of a surprise, but a surprise nonetheless. The pitiful thing about the Suns being a "surprise" is that they're not even that great. They just don't majorly suck like most of the experts picked (myself included). They're winning most of their games off of speed alone, which is great to watch. When they came to LA they basically ran the Lakers out of the arena, which isn't saying a whole lot, but it's still impressive.

The Blazers meanwhile are no longer the FailBlazers. And Damien Lillard is the nastiest dude in the league right now. The reason I bring up both the Blazers and the Suns in conjunction with the East is because if either of these teams were in the East they would be killing! The Blazers would be at the top with the Heat and the Pacers, and the Suns would be a 4th seed*.

Which brings me to my next point, the East is fucking pathetic.

I don't have the standings in front of me but off the top of my head I believe both the Nets and the Knicks are some where near the bottom of the East. In fact I don't think they're in the playoffs. If they are, they're 8 or 9 seeds. How sad are the Bucks? Worst team in the league, god damnit. The 76ers have completely taken a shit like I knew they would. Chicago is out for the season. Are the Wizards still a team? They should really be contracted, or combined with the bobcats. That would be interesting. Two worst teams in each conference get combined to make one mediocre team.

West: Jazzy Kings
East: BobWizards.

Twitter Attack: Tyreke Evans

Sometimes it's better to let the public do the talking for you.

Real Tweets
*SMH = Shaking my head

♛ {L▲¥} ‏@LArryKING_Live3m

Tyreke Evans is killin me. Dude is much better than this

@DamnNearWhite: (Nice Name)

Tyreke Evans really is a disappointment lol

Chris Sheridan ‏@sheridanhoops5 Nov

Stat line of the week went to Chris Paul. Line of the Weak went to Tyreke Evans, who had gone 258 games w/no donuts

CJ Mordock ‏@CJMordock26m

Tyreke Evans now being paid $22 million per basket. #TakeFlight #Pelicans

Steve Blake ‏@LakerOpinion1h

Tyreke Evans gets worse every year smh.

Kahler Inskeep ‏@kpinskeep1h

Smh @ the guy wearing a tyreke Evans jersey.

Ethan Strauss ‏@SherwoodStrauss6 Nov

Imagine how much coverage Tyreke Evans' miserable start would get if he was a $44 mil member of the Knicks.

Kiamco ‏@Jason_Kiamco3m

Tyreke Evans has the worst shot selection.

❄ Young Kneecaps ❄ ‏@E__Twizzle15m

TYREKE EVANS IS SO BUTT!!

At least Tyreke will be doing something constructive:

Javier Alvarez ‏@iambnice24m

Don't forget 2night Eiffel is the move We got NBA player Tyreke Evans will be in the building Get there early it's going to be a fun night

Worst Team with 3 Wins.

It's been 2 weeks into the season and there are some teams that have surprised us (Minnesota), and some that haven't (Washington).

It's just so fun to get up in what could be... so allow me to pop that bubble of hope.

Worst team with a winning record is Philadelphia!

First of all, I don't know a whole lot about this team, besides that there's a giant white dude who does not like to get near the basket, and would rather sit outside and shoot three's (PTB's favorite type of player). Spencer Hawes, I think his name is? Who else is on this team? Jru (Drew) Holliday (Holiday?), I'm pretty sure he got traded to the Pelicans? - There are so many question marks in that last paragraph, because there is so much uncertainty.

With good teams, there is no uncertainty. Bron is good, KLove is good. Who is the starting five on the Lakers? Swaggy P, Nash, Pau, Xavier Daniels?

The 76ers will come back down to earth. Real soon. What I'm really hoping is that the 76ers become so desperate that they ask AI to suit up. Iverson probably has the jersey under his clothes at every game he attends just hoping that the coach (who I have no idea who it is) will look to the stands and ask AI to get in the game. AI, takes his sweet fucking time taking off his chains, clothes, and shoes to reveal his jersey underneath. Walks down to the court, and jacks up enough shots to make Kobe jealous.

Anyway, that will never happen. The east is super pathetic at the bottom, so maybe the 76ers can sneak into the 8th seed.

NBA Opening Night

The NBA is back, and sucking more than ever.
Fools we are.

Three pathetic games tonight. What have we learned?

Heat v Bulls
LeBRON is good, Boozer is not. Ray Allen is good, Dunleavy is not. Derrick Rose and he's jacking up shots as if he never left. Han still spin his way to the basket and hit layups with reckless abandon, but he still doesn't pass a lot. And why is that? Because he's still surrounded by fucking bums. Whoever thinks the Bulls are going to upset the Heat this year, you're wrong.

Lakers v Clippers
Blake Griffin was obviously way too busy filming KIA and GameFly commercials this off-season to practice his free throws. And Doc Rivers is trying to find the 15-man-sized-condom in order to take all feeling, excitement, and fun out of this team. Both Clippers and Bulls have a lot of improving to do before Christmas.

Pacers v Magic
Magic suck.

Video of the Weak

I'm a little late on this. Only by 7 years or so. Which is longer than Sasha's NBA career (thank God).
But hey ya'll, peep this.

Lamar Odom is Missing

Apparently Lamar Odom has gone missing. Multiple sources have informed me that Odom has been struggling with terrible production in the NBA the last few seasons, which could have led to his disappearance. Since I'm sure the Kardashians are freaking out, I would like to lend my hand to share a list of potential places Lamar could, and could not be.

Could be:

Hometown Buffet

Asleep in his car

Boston Market

Lost (like on the court)

Movie hopping in a theater

Mexico por el Vero Mango

A drive-thru

Candy Factory

Catching up on Breaking Bad

Getting a tattoo

Could not be:

Rebounding

La Fitness

Whole Foods

Lost in a good book

Dallas

Ralph Lauren

Conditioning

Being a good father

Happy

Iverson Retires...from life

Allen Iverson has finally decided that after 4 years of not playing in the NBA (Not being good for about 6-7), he's hanging them up. We've all seen his painful appearances post NBA in which he expresses interest in playing again, and thank God there isn't a team desperate enough to pick him up; which is very surprising.

I know that the NBA is a guard driven league, but there's not one shitty team who would have taken a chance on AI? The Answer?! He crossed up Jordan! - zzzZzzzzz
I'm surprised a team with terrible guard play never picked him up, Lakers, Rockets, Magic, Indiana. No one, which proves how bad Allen Iverson really is. And that teams have decided they don't want a pure scoring point guard. Teams see the most success when guards distribute the ball (Kidd, Nash, Fii..shhe..rr?) anyway you know what I'm talking about.

But really he's just a bum who has spent all of his god damn money and would be a cancer in any locker room. The guy doesn't even like to practice. I wonder if he knows how to say practice in Mandarin?
Allen Iverson hasn't just given up on his dreams to play in the league again, he's given up all hope. What's he going to do next?!

He can't do broadcasting, no one wants to hear him talk about himself, or just be depressed on air. Although it would be interesting to see if he had a pair of shorts on underneath his suit, in case he felt he was needed on the court. Heroically tear off his suit and jump in the game! Which brings me to my next point.. he can't broadcast because he won't wear a suit! I don't think he's ever worn (or learned how to tie) a tie. AI was the catalyst for Stern to demand a dress code for players walking to the court, and sitting if injured. One can not broadcast in football jersey and chains AI...

Look for Allen Iverson at your local shoe dealer signing basketballs and shoes inspired by players much better than him. 

Can't Update...

Congrats to Miami. All you Haters rejoice.
No congrats to this web site.

WCF ECF Preview

Grizzlies vs Spurs - Spurs in zzZZZZzzzZzzzzz..

A real test for all those "basketball purists," out there. It was easy when Memphis was playing Lob city, and OKC because the other team was exciting. Excitement vs Purists. San Antonio had the privilege of knocking off the annoying-as-fuck Lakers, then playing the uber exciting Warriors. Excitement vs Purists. It was watchable basketball. And now we're faced with the nightmare of Purists vs Purists. Fundamental Tim Duncan, and Below the Rim Z-Bo. To make matters worse, the first game was a blowout and unwatchable. Plus I don't know if either of these teams could beat the Heat. Maybe the Spurs because Pop would coach the pants off Spoelstra. But then again, does Spoelstra even really coach? Anyway, I'll be watching the rest of season 2 Game of Thrones instead of an out of shape Diaw hit corner threes for several games.

Heat vs Pacers - Heat in 5

*Editors note
Did we have a second round of the playoffs? And who the fuck voted for Carmelo Anthony as MVP? That shit is so weak. Dwight Howard is the most #loyal player in history. Terrance Williams is another statistic.

Good Riddance

Here is a short list of the most tired storylines of the year.

1. The Lakers Suck
Yeah the fucking suck and I'm glad their season is finally over, because now we don't have to hear about them... for roughly one day. Now all I hear about is if the Lakers will suck NEXT YEAR. God damnit. But really, shouldn't we all feel a little foolish for not seeing this coming? Pau and Kobe haven't exactly been competing for a championship in the past few years. Dwight is a chump with a bad back. Number 10 is pregnant. Their star bench player is Antawn Jamison. Now that Kobe is out and Preggars is on maternity leave, Isn't it safe to say the Lakers will such shit next year too? Please stop talking about them.

2. Rose is out
All the stupid commercials, blogs, and speculation, could not bring D-Rose back again. So please stop talking about it. There have been a lot more signs pointing to him not returning, than returning, such as Rosh himself saying he won't return...so why are we still talking about this? And WHY would you want him to play against the Heat on his first game back? Talk about being thrown to the wolves. Chicago might as well accept the fact that he's not returning this year (just like I did last year), just how Laker fans should accept the fact that Kobe is not returning next year (just like I did this year).

3. Bron Bron's Hair Line
This is simply a case of not being able to diss him for anything basketball related.

He's not clutch! - Indiana happened, then Boston happened.

He doesn't have a jumper! - Shoots over 60%

Durant will get the MVP this year - 4

.. well his hairline sucks hahahah - Your life sucks in comparison

4. Something we should be talking about
How many coaches will be sacrificed to Daron Williams?
Why are the Hawks still in the league?
Who will be injured next? (My guess is Duncan)

Brown Stain

Does Dan Gilbert really hate the people of Cleveland this much?

How badly do the people of Cleveland want their prodigal son back? Well for one, people dressed in shirts that read, "Come back, we miss you," storm onto the court towards BB and get arrested in the progress.

And in same ways, there is some logic behind salary caps and the new CBA that make the current HEAT roster need to break up. And if that happens, where does BB go? Back to a talented young team led by Uncle Drew?

Not NO MO

Say hello to Mike Brown, say goodbye to Bron Bron.

Dan Gilbert just squashed any chance of BB coming back home. And if that doesn't make matters bad enough, he apologized to Brown for the firing, and told him it wasn't his fault.Oh...so if it wasn't Brown's fault.. then whose was it?..

Sorry Cleveland. BB is never coming back. But look at this way, at least you're not Detroit.

Playoff Predictions

Just when you fuckers thought I was finished! HA! I'm back in time to write about playoff basketball.. because it really matters.

WEST

THUNDER ROCKETS - THUNDER - 5

I would pick a clean sweet by OKC, but I got one game where Harden goes ridiculously crazy ballsy nuts-o and scores 50 points on the way to a victory. And the Rockets got my main man Chandler Parsons doing big things. But seriously I think I'm a little more interested in what Westbrook is gonna be wearing this year in his post-game interviews.

SPURS LAKERS - SPURS 6

This is tough. Not because I think the Lakers might pull it out, but because I'm not sure how many games they'll play. No one should be looking at the Spurs most recent loss to the Lakers. Manu was out, and so was Parker in the 4th. In fact, Parker was hardly playing at all. Steve Blake went out of his mind, and Antawn played over his head. I just can't wait for the Lakers season to be over with really. Hurry up and END. Here's to a hopeful sweep.

Warriors Nugs - Warriors in (lose lose situation) 7

Probably the most entertaining match up in the first round, this series brings a tear to my eye. It's like watching your two favorite fighters duke it out. I would have much rather watch a Warriors Lakers, or Nugs Spurs. I want these two entertaining teams to stay in the playoffs. If we keep Golden State's break-neck speed, and lights-out shooting, we lose JAVELE MCGEE! And that's not okay with me. But hey we can't always get what we want. Right Mick?

Clippers Grizz - Clips 5

Clippers got the toughest road ahead of them. If they beat the very tough Grizz, then they play the Thunder, then the Spurs, then the Heat. That's impossible. But I don't think they'll have too much trouble with the Grizz, they won the series this season, and beat them last year (when the Grizz still had Rudy Gay). The Clips have only gotten better, while the Grizz are starting to feel the pinch of the new CBA.
*There will be at least 2 Griffin and Randolph scuffles.

EAST

Knicks Celtics - Knicks in 4

Honestly who cares? Does anyone play on the Celtics anymore? They've lost everyone to injuries, and i don't care fdndoiniasdasinndndin

Heat Bucks - Heat 4

Bulls Nets
Another pile of shit coming out of the East. This has absolutely no entertainment value outside of Brooklyn. Not even the people of Chicago would step out into the cold frigid Chicago air to watch this crap. They're just going to wait until D Rose comes back, then they'll care again. Just like most other Late twenties/Early thirties fair weather bull fan.

Pacers Hawks - Pacers in 5

The Hawks are such an enigma in the league. They never have a legitimate chance to win the title, or even get to the conference finals. They're simply in the playoffs because of how consistently shitty the rest of the East is. I will not watch one game of the series.

MVP = BB, duh

Interview with DLF

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Ode to Brandon Knight

Yeah so I took some time off. Eat SHIT. Its not like the NBA is giving us anything to shout about..until tonight...

Now everyone is up in arms giving DJ hi-fives and dick slaps because he dunked on someone an entire foot shorter than him. Am I impressed? Yes. By DJ, no.

DJ smashes on everyone, and yeah he's been on my smash radar for a few years now, so I've come to expect Lob City to crush the Bombed-out-Depleted-Poor-as-FUCK Motor City.

And in a league that's full of overpaid, entitled, I'm-too-busy-making-commercials, pieces of shits. Most players would have gotten out of the way, ran away, not jumped, not given a shit. I'm happy Brandon Knight (A Rookie!) took a risk and tried to make an amazing play.

Because lets face, if he makes the block, its the BLOCK OF THE YEAR. ENDS DETROIT'S UNEMPLOYMENT, KIDS START BLEACHING THEIR HAIR AGAIN, ENDS THOSE FUCKING CHRYSLER COMMERCIALS!

Knight bravely jumped and attempted to block a dunk by someone much taller than him, he fell on his back, and the internet obliterated his image. But get up young Knight, your ego might be bruised, but your courage stands tall* above the mounds of garbage the league gives us.

*cheeseball alert.

Seattle Suicide

The poll is over (has been for a week now) and you have chosen the Seattle Suicide as the next name for the a franchise in the Seattle Area.

As a bunch of cynical bastards, I had the feeling you would pick this, but it makes sense. Gloomy skies, a lot of bridges, high divorce rate, Demarcus Cousins, it just makes sense.

The Seattle Suicide sounds awful, but anything is better than going back to the SuperSonics. Let me explain.

I was a big fan of the Sonics in the mid 90's. I was young and impressionable so naturally seeing Shawn Kemp - pre-cocaine, dunking on someone then pointing to them on the ground was just the baddest thing on the planet. Gary Payton was the scary black guy that I wanted to be friends with. Detlef Schrempf was the pure shooter/weird foreign guy. And Sam Perkins was the lazy big man who just wanted to shoot the three (setting the way for players such as Mehmet Okur, Pau Gasol, and Channing Frye). So much to love!

So naturally when the team got swindled out of Seattle and moved to Oklahoma over night, I was furious. I was pissed at Stern and the rest of the league officials. (I hold grudges what can I say?)

Two Christmas' ago, a friend of mine gave me a retro Sonics hat. I loved it, it exemplified my old love for the team, and my angst towards the NBA. IT WAS A STATEMENT.

If the God-awful Kings move up to Seattle and become the Sonics my hat will become useless. Instead of it being a throwback to one of the most entertaining duos in history, it will be a reminder of how wretched the combination of Tyreke Evans and Jimmer Fredette is. TYREKE EVANS AND JIMMER FREDETTE.

Its selfish of me to save the integrity of my hat, but now that I think about it... they won't be called the Seattle Suicide because of the condition of Seattle PRIOR to the Kings move, but because of what will become of Seattle once the Kings move there.

The New Warriors Jersey Make Me Look Fat

Lets face it. Wearing a basketball jersey in public is not for everyone.

It's for the guy who works out frequently, shaves his body hair, and wears backwards hats.
It's not for the 28 yr old graduate student who takes roughly one shower every two days.

Which is why Adidas has released a new jersey "for fans." (you can see it HERE)

God damn liars. The only reason why the NBA and Adidas is doing this is for $$$ of course. There are fans out there that feel obligated to buy every jersey released. But there are a lot of fans out there that shouldn't be wearing these jerseys either. I don't want to see the overweight, fair-weather, schmuck, sitting behind their teams bench wearing a tight jersey. These jerseys will make you look fat and ridiculous! At least normal NBA jerseys aren't skin tight, and leave a lot of room for improvement - if you know what I mean.

And what about NBA players? Is Spencer Hawes or Louis Scola going to look good in these jerseys? They're going to look downright ridiculous! It's times like these I wish coaches suited up in uniform (like baseball). I could really go for seeing Marc Jackson in something like this.

Video of the Weak!

Thank God you're wearing that Celtics hat Bill, or else they might have thought you were Kimbo Slice, or Frederick Douglass.

One of my favorite moments of the video is if you listen verrryyy carefully you can hear the female co-host acknowledging that it is Morgan Freeman. Then sound in slight horror when they've made the mistake. She probably had her career flash before her eyes in the form of a race card.

This video raises the question: is this a case of all athletes look the same? Or Nobody gives a shit about basketball?

Raptors > SuperBowl

Yes. Nothing spits in the face of America quite like missing the Superbowl. Especially if you're going to do so by watching the Raptors play [basketball?].

Why would Stern schedule a game during the biggest sporting event of the year? I'm convinced that Stern is either taking a shit on the Raptors (because no one will watch), or maybe he knows no one watches Raptor games anyway, including referees. Because if referees did watch the games then they wouldn't have so many blown calls, or maybe the blow calls because they don't care. ITS A SHIT TON OF "DONT CARES~!~!~~!1"

The fact is, more people would rather watch Superbowl commercials, or the Beyonce half-time show (hot damn) than a Raptors - Heat basketball game.

Lakers 3-PEAT!!

I would like to be the first to congratulate the Lakers on their 3-peat. Nothing quite says resurgence like victories over the Thunder, Jazz, and PeliCANTs. 

This season has been pretty rotten for the purple and gold, but it seems they're turning it around.. which of course means all the DLF's out there are beginning to let the public now how they feel about it. 

Here are a few of my favorite DLF comments during the 3-peat

DLF: Heat lose, Clippers lose, Lakers win, how can this get any better?

DLF: I know Stuart Scott has cancer and all but...he tries too hard to be black.

DLF: Two words for you Nick, LAKERS CHAMPIONSHIP!!

It looks like Dwight's vagina has finally healed and he's beginning to play a little better. The Laker's whipping boy Pau Gasol has been reduced to the bench (which helps their pathetic production). And it only took the Lakers to be 6 games below .500 and out of the playoff picture for Kobe to finally start passing the basketball. 

But can we be a little honest with ourselves for a moment?

Kobe has 2 games where he has more than 5 assists, and people begin to call him "Kobe Johnson." Earl Clark doesn't completely fucking suck, like everyone thought he would, and people call him "Earlsanity." 

Can we ease up on the gas a little LA? No? Didn't think so, that's what makes you delusional, and that's what makes you awesome. 

Most Hated Player

Congratulations to Dwight Howard on becoming NBHATE'S most Hated player.

Taking the thrown from LeBRON in familiar fashion. Trade talks, then "I'm Happy," talks, then more trade talks...fire the coach, fire the GM, and still get traded... Hurricane Howard at his best. Destroying everything in sight then continuing on to the next city.

Which brings us to Now.

It was a given that the rest of America hated Dwight, everyone from Brooklyn down to Phoenix hated him. But Los Angeles was glowing with anticipation - Remember all those photoshoped pictures of Dwight in a Laker uniform? All those YEARS of LA media intoxicating the public that Howard is on his way? Be careful what you wish for LA...

12th in the west, 3rd in the division, just 1.5 games better than the Sacramento Sonics. 1 coach fired, another coach's job on life support, Kobe losing his mind, Nash completely confused, Earlsanity? And now trade talks. Laker fans, say hello to Hurricane Howard.

LA was the only city in the country that didn't hate Howard...until now.

Congratulations to Los Angeles.

PS. Laker fans... Chris Paul. ;)

Video of the Weak

I always feel a little rotten putting Javale as the video of the weak, partially because it's an easy target. But this video has so many Weak parts, it couldn't be denied.

1. We're teased thinking Javale can handle the ball because of a fancy behind the back dribble.
2. He wants to throw a lob to the Manimal, begins to stumble, and throws the ball over the backboard into the crowd.
3. Knocks Ty Lawson(?) to the ground.
4. Announcers start to laugh.

You got me this time Javale Mcgee...