Merry Christmas

Another year, another Christmas, another bunch of shit games.

I'm always excited to wake up to Christmas morning. I get a nice breakfast of pumpkin waffles, eggs, and hopefully some good basketball games. Then Stern reminds everyone that its Hanukkah time and instead of ONE GREATTT GAME, we get 8 lousy teams teams trying to pretend that the regular season means something.

5 games on Christmas day and 1 1/2 of them were good.

Nets showed again that theyre overrated. Knicks are coming back to Earth. Heat and Thunder show they play at a different level than everyone else. And the Clips have the best record in the NBA?..

But really. The Celtics/Nets game was bad. A "deep" Celtics team against an overrated Nets squad turned out to be a total bust. But it was the first game of the morning, and since we should be in the merry mood of forgiveness and cheer I will forget this game ever happened.

Knicks and Lakers wasn't a basketball game. It was somewhere in between a three point contest/And1/All-Star game. The Knicks only shot threes, didn't run one play, and seemed to sputter out half way through the third. Congrats to the Lakers for breaking their 3 year long drought on Christmas day, and reminding us that you're not good enough to get out of the second round.

Thunder and Heat. These two teams play at a different pace. This made the LAL NYK game seem it was in slow motion. I guess KD and Bron are aiightt. More importantly it showed everyone that the regular season is a different game. But every now and then two teams will get together and play at a playoff level, and when these two teams want to turn it on and play at a different level they can (Unlike the Celtics, Nets, Knicks, Lakers, Kings, Mavs, Rockets, Suns, Pistons, Cavs, Warriors, Blazers, and Magic).

Bulls Rockets - zzzzzZZzzzZZzzzzzz

Clips and Nuggets - Not exactly the most entertaining game, but because I got to attend the game I won't knock it too much. Watching the Clippers live is about as exciting as it gets in the NBA. Jamal Crawford making people look silly, CP3 WWOOooooo, and of course BG crushing people. I actually thought this game was going to be a lot closer than it was.

Anyway the point is this. Christmas day came, with all the ugly shoes and dumb television "The NBA wishes you a very merry Christmas, please don't make us contract the league," commercials. And only showed teams in major markets of course.

New York x 2, Los Angeles x 2, Chicago, Miami, Houston (there's a lot of people there right??)

On a day when its about giving and not receiving, way to give all the 'small' people a chance Stern.

Video of the Weak

Fools Gold

Almost a few months into the season and we have a lot of horse shit flying around.

Allow me to shed some light on all this FOOLS GOLD

The Brooklyn Nets Are GOOD!
I got some news for Jay-Z. Moving a bunch of scrubs to a new stadium don't make them no better. The Nets have less wins than the Jazz, and the Golden State Warriors. Don't let all this media hype of "NY VS NY," fool you. No one gives a shit besides those living in NY. Plus I've always hated Deron for running Sloan out of Mormon town.

The New Orleans Pelicans is a Shitty Name
Wrong. Its a great name. Why do we need intimidating names like the Raptors, Grizzlies, or Thunder? Some of the best names in basketball are those that raise questions. "What the fuck is a Laker? And why is it in LA?" "Is there really Jazz in Utah?" "Is Trail slang for weed in Portland?" "Whats a SuperSon... nevermind." I can only hope that the crowd has some real great gimmicks during the Pelican games. KAW KAW!!

The Suns and Kings are actually Not that bad.
No, they are.

The Spurs are Cool
This is really, really confusing. The most boring (and consistent) team in the league is becoming...likeable? First Popavich gives Stern the middle finger by sending his starting 5 home against the Heat during a nationally televised game. Then the photo of Duncan and Parker (wearing a sweat eye patch) with guns to the head of ref "Joey Crawford" arises. How did they get so bad ass and cool?!! Did they get a player during the off season that brought more hood to the team? Could his name be Stephen Jackson? Did Stephen Jackon tweet this: Somebody tell serg Abaka. He aint bout dis life. Next time he run up on me im goin in his mouth. That's a promise. He doin 2 much." ...that could be it.

Gold that Fools
The Lakers are making fools of everyone, especially their fan base. They can't win a game, so they fire Brown. The fans want Jackson, they get D'Antoni. They had Pau, now they have Antawn Jamison. They can't reach .500. What happened to all this Heat vs Lakers talk? Gobble a dick.

Thunderstruck is a Bad Movie
Yeah it went straight to DVD, and the story line seems like a Space Jam ripoff. But in reality its a fun, loving, wholesome, family movie that shows some cracker in Oklahoma take Durant for everything hes worth. Quite fascinating really. Plus who gives a shit if its terrible, its not like "The Air Up There," is a fucking classic.

Video of the Weak

When he's not being mocked with a gun to his head on Halloween...hes making a mockery of himself and the league.






I don't think Lamar Odom can move that fast.

Thanksgiving

Allow me to give thanks to the NBA

Thank you for the the Washington Wizards for never winning. Everyone thought it would be Charlotte, but its not, its the Wizards. Which is a great example of how the NBA has a large abundance of shitty teams. So many teams could suck, YOU NEVER KNOW WHICH ONE! And I'm also thankful that this team is awful without Javale Mcgee. Everyone thought it was his fault, wrong.

Thank you to the Lakers to fucking up the season thus far. You've driven Mike Brown to Chic-fil-a, Pau is getting benched in the 4th, and have made the majority of LA to shut the fuck up. Return to Showtime? More like Slowtime.

Thank you to Bynum for being out indefinitely. We all saw this coming, thank you for finally confirming it.

Thank you to the Milwaukee Bucks for bringing back the hood to the NBA.

Thank you to the Timberwolves for proving that white men can play basketball.

Thank you NBA for enforcing an anti-flopping policy, its totally going to work. Fining an NBA player 5 grand is going to stop it (sarcasm). But really, if a player flops during a game, the teams best player should be suspended. For example, if Marin Gortat flops during a game, then the NBA should suspend ... uh...

Lakers Hire D'Antoni

The Lakers have selected Mike (No defense) D'antoni to run them into the ground. Congrats shit heads. I hope it all goes to hell. As a Suns fan, it feels as if Laker fans are dating my ex girlfriend (7sol) I wonder if Kobe will yell at Mike in Italian? oooo Kiss my ass

MIKE BROWN FIRED!!!!

ZzzzzZzzzzzzzz

Video of the Weak

Hey dawg, we gotta get them fans the BIG MAACC!

preDICKtions

Its easy to find predictions of the good teams all over the league; rookie of the year, MVP, championship... all that bullshit. But what about the worst in the league?

Worst in the West: Everyone. When did this happen? It seemed like yesterday that whoever came out of the west was gauranteed to win the championship. Now it's the opposite. Every team except for the Lakers (and two days ago Thunder), are mindlessly going through the motions of 'competing' and 'we'll be good once everything clicks.' - ask Nash how it felt being on one of those teams. The Dallas Mavs are a perfect West team. Won the champ two years ago, and now they're downright pathetic.

Least in the East: Orlando. How will this franchise bounce back after hurricane Howard? Howard literally dismantled the franchise while some how trying to stay there?.. It was one of the ugliest break ups I've seen. But hey! They still got.. J J Redick..Now Orlando is sucking shit like 90% of the league. They should really just consider being cut, or contracted (LeBRON do you know what that means?).

Fall from Grace: Jeremy Lin. The dude gave sweat shops around the world a reason to cheer, and when the NYK were given the oppurtunity to resign him, they chose the odds. There's no way this Harvard graduate, soy suace drinking PG can create the same magic season after season. But what about all the merch $$$ he would bring in?! What they should do is start selling Jeremy Lin couches for people to sleep on... I happen to know a Delusional Laker Fan that would buy one of those in a heartbeat.

Cheers to Jeers: Normally this award goes to the Utah Jazz without hesitation. But this year I'm predickting the Indiana Pacers and the Brooklyn Nets will give the Jazz a run for their money. The Pacers are also a majority white crowd, and we all know what happens when you get a bunch of angry white people together - crosses are burned and D Fish lies. But Brooklyn has a brand new team and arena that JayZ helped build, and what do the fans do? Take a piss all over it.. literally. I'm expecting atleast two fight by Nets players this season, and about a dozen fights in the crowd. *Special nod to the Sacramento Kings for renaming their shitty arena, "Sleep Train." No better way to sleep than to watch high school level basketball on a pro court.

Oh I forgot about him!: Jimmer. The Mormon bomber that was killin in college, hittin' tres from half court, game winners, screaming at the camera...now? Third stringing it behind Aaron Brooks, and Isaiah Thomas.

YOU GET PAID TOOO MUCH!: Nicolas Batum. I guess dickpunching and corner threes will get you 12 mil a year. Get the fuck out of here Nicolas. At least spell your god damn name right. *He spells it the same as Nicolas Cage

Worst Moment of the year: Without a doubt it will be the slam dunk contest. An annual festivity I once looked forward to as a child, as turned into a freak show of no name, no importance, no originality, and downright rigging (Kia). Id much rather have the entire All Star weekend replaced by a report on the NBA conspiracies, hosted by Bryant Gumbel.

Have a great season everyone.

STERN RETIRING!!!!!!

...Who gives a shit....

Knuckle Head

Damn you Kevin Love

For the past two years I have picked the Twolves as my dark horse to make hte playoffs. And each year something terrible wrong happens which makes me look downright foolish.

This year was my year to look like a true expert. 

What happens this year? Before the season even begins K Love is out due to a hand injury...by doing push ups.

Which included knuckle push ups. ** can someone please do some research and find out which exercise program makes you do knuckle push ups? K90x? **

Whats gana happen next? Rubio gana buy the successful baja burrito chain only to get die of a tainted fish taco?

If the wolves tank again this year, I'll be sure to cite this broken hand as the reason.

Premature EjacuHATE

This is probably the worst time of the year for Basketball fans. Our long wait through baseball is almost over, and we think we finally get some basketball. All the hype that was built through the draft, and off season trades (Lakers I kill you), has accumulated to this! ITS TIME FOR SOME BALL! - wrong

What we get is a watered down version of regular season basketball (which is a water downed version of basketball)

And to make matters worse, the tickets to these games are not much cheaper than the regular season. the NBA should learn from the MLB and make the tickets $30 max, not $3,000. Paying money to watch out-of-shape dumps like Sasha Pavlovic play, and see superstars sit on the sideline. 

And if you're foolish, which you must be if you're still interested in the NBA, then you think these games have meaning, which can be terrible news if you're a Portland FailBlazer, or Dallas Maverick fan, because they don't. These games are filled with nothing more than empty hopes and promises. 

A precursor to another boring season filled with LIES AND DECEIT! 

Video of the Weak

This video adds to so many stereotypes its terrific. Black athletes are irresponsible with their money, spoiled, gloating, and showboating that they have more money than they know what to do with.

So naturally IMAN buys the iPHONE, a product that most people have been waiting months to get, and takes a shit all over it. I love it. 

I will admit that the beginning is slightly funny, him talking about retina displays and all the crap he knows nothing about.

Fuck training, lets go have some fun at others people's expense.

Power (shit) Rankings

*In honor of today (yesterday) being "Talk Like a Pirate Day" I will try to write this blog like a pirate bastard.

POWER SHIT RANKINGS

This time of year blows so hard for basketball fans. All we do is speculate how good, or in this case, how shitty next year will be for our teams.

Here is a small list of players that are just getting worse by the year.

Ron Artest

Yarrr. This yellow bellied bastard is as useless as a winch with a chastity belt. He can't contribute to the cause, and now ther media just ask silly questions. Ron is better known now for what comes out of that pie hole, than his actually shit play. YAR.

Channing Fry

Most landlovers outside of Phoenix don't know this crumb bucket, and they shouldn't. He's a useless tall maggot that sits outside ther three point chucking up bricks. And none of his coaches everrrr taught him defense.

Francisco (Leonard) Garcia

This useless sack of cow shit is so terrible that I thought his name was Leonard. I had to google it, and found out that his name was actually Francisco. Case Closed.

Linas Kleiza

Yarr he was good once. The LeBRON syndrome. LeBRON make everyone better on team yarr. But without him you get traded into obscurity. Just ask JJ Hickson, and Mo Williams.

Tracy McGrady 

As old as these hills, Tracy has a better chance of helping a science class as a cadaver then he does helping his team go into the post season. Yar I think he still plays for them Hawks, but I'm not so sure. Maybe he's walked the retirement plank, or I hope he has.

Mike Bibby

The Siren of the NBA. Every team that sets eyes on this turd sinks straight into the ocean.

Chris Kaman

This poor guy ended up on thur Mavs. Hasn't he been through enough with the Clippers and the Hornets? Yar. I guess when thur league is this bad it doesn't matter where ya go.

Facili-HATER

"He has decided to be more of a facilitator early in the game, in order to get his teammates going."

GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK

I seriously hate that term. Facilitate. More like, facili-hate! Because those players who are considered facilitators are not passers. They are scorers that have no choice but to pass the ball due to good defense, or laziness (maybe racist).

Oh congratulations on how to pass the rock!

Have you ever noticed that good passers are not called facilitators? It's because they know, and enjoy, passing the ball. No one ever called Jason Kidd, or #13 from the Suns a facilitator. They call Vince Carter, Kobe Bryant, Tracey Mcgrady, Carmelo Anthony, Dwayne Wade, facilitators because those bastards hate to PASS!

I guess this rant of hate isn't being pissed towards those assholes who can't pass, but the swamp cocked commentators who decide to call ball-hogs passers. Lets just call it like it is. Those black holes (not racist) don't want to pass the ball. And sometimes I can't blame them! Why would Kobe want to pass the ball to Sasha Vujacic? Why would Wade pass to Joel Anthony? Why would anyone on planet Earth want to pass to Vince Carter - I wouldn't pass him the ball during a pickup game.

Don't cloud the issue at hand. CALL IT LIKE IT IS.

Hey asshole, instead of criticizing those doing their job, why don't you come up with a solution?

Fine!

Instead of calling them a facilitator how about calling him a fucking kidney stone, because though painful, it will pass through eventually.

eat shit.

Dwight Howard to The Lakers

Its happened again.

The Lakers catapult themselves into contention by pulling off a blockbuster trade. As much as I didn't want to believe it, as it lingered in the back of my mind, as Orlando fans wore those "Loyalty" T-shirts, Dwight Howard is becoming a Laker.

SO MANY QUESTIONS

Why did the Magic accept this poo poo platter?

Al Harrington
Moe Harkless
Afflalo
And picks!?
NO PAU?!!?
BYNUM GOES TO PHILLY!?

How did the team that was supposed to get the most in return get the least? Holy shit Orlando you suck dicks.

SO MANY QUESTIONS

I can't wait for Bynum to speak. The guy is slowly creating a trophy case of sayings (Close out games are actually pretty easy). What's he going to say now that he's been traded? I hope its something juicy about Kobe and Coach Brown. LET IT OUT BIG MAN!

What the fuck was the CBA for?! Stern can't step in and veto every trade the Lakers pull off (can he?!). The only reason why Stern may let this go is because Philly got a pretty awesome deal picking up Bynum and Jason Richardson.

Why have 25 other teams? I wonder how the Suns, Magic, and every other medium to small market feels. Including Oklahoma, and San Antonio. Two small market teams that have gotten it to work until this big market juggernaut returned ready to dominate. 

Can we just have an 82 game season of Heat vs Lakers?

SO MANY QUESTIONS

Dwight has yet to say he will resign. It sounds like he will test the free agency waters next summer, because he wants that giant pay day. Can he get that giant pay day on the Lakers? Kobe takes up almost have the payroll by himself. If Dwight wants a max contract, the Lakers will be have 3 players sucking up their entire payroll. And next year the CBA will be in full effect creating stricter luxury taxes. Can the Lakers afford it? Will Howard stay? I guess it depends if they win the championship this year...

How many teams can really compete? Heat, Lakers, Thunder, Knicks? Celtics? All of a sudden those bubble teams seem real irrelevant. The Knicks, Pacers, Celtics, Nuggets, Jazz, Clippers, have absolutely no shot.

Is Stern masturbating thinking of all the money he's going to rake in?

SO MANY QUESTIONS

Will this familiar and tired formula of big market teams dominating the NBA ever cease to exist? Will the Lakers always get the most dominate big man in the league? Will the Lakers now be the most hated team in the country?

Do Laker fans even care that their team is made up of almost no home-grown players? You can make the case that Kobe was traded for too. Then Pau, then Nash, Now Dwight. Does a city of sell outs care if they hire sell outs? Not likely.

With all these questions floating around, there's one thing that is certain:

LAKER FANS WILL BE THE MOST ANNOYING FANS IN THE WORLD NEXT SEASON

Video of the Weak

Well.. that's going to be an unsportman's like ... foul.

Ya no shit.

Nothing quite like a good ol' dick punch at the Olympics. Delivered by France, the country who's received and received the most dick punches in history.

Fucking Batum. I hope whatever skeletal deteriorating disease that's floating around Portland crotch shots you in the near future.

Krypto-Dwight

Taxes, death, and Dwight's "Indecision" are all daily certainties. Some more tolerable than others...

The Indecision was getting on my nerves faster than a speeding bullet.
In fact, it seriously seemed that the only way to slow down all this Indecision talk was with a piece of crust from the planet Krypton itself.

Dwight's ego boner has become visible from California! Every morning that asshole turns on the TV and just smiles as people speculate about where he is (and isn't) going. Is there anything powerful enough to stop this superhuman shit spinning machine!?

Thank God for the Olympics.

Only an event that happens once every four years could save us. Synchronized Swimming, Beach Volleyball (bikinis), Basketball, Weight Lifting, Swimming, The HAMMER THROW!! THANK YOU GOD!! It had to be something monumental, like two weeks that the world can come together in sportsmanship (except for China's badminton team). Finally the general sports public has something more to care about than the Indecision.*

I can just imagine Dwight waking up, turning on ESPN and seeing that the headlines are not about him, screaming his head off than demanding a Magic staff member be fired. Eat shit Superman.

We have international basketball to save us from recycled he-says she-says bullshit. What's more fun to watch than LBJ crushing it on some lazy Brazilian's dome? Watching 'Melo getting hit in the nuts was pretty good too. If Kobe continues to struggle against Spain will he blame Pau though he's on the other team?  I'm actually happy Dwight's not on the Olympic team, because if he was, the media would find some time or reason to ask him about the indecision. Stay the hell away from the Olympics Dwight! In fact don't even turn on the TV. Aren't you too busy rehabing your back anyway? Isn't that the reason you're not appearing at your own basketball camp back in Orlando?

D12 hasn't been the first ball player who can't make up his mind, but he may be the sloppiest...I've made the decision to not give a shit about the indecision, and you shouldn't either.

*like America beating China in the medal count.

Video of the Weak

A Bang Bus full of dicks. A bromigo from Santa Monica in the back. A drunk driver delivering everyone to certain death. Is it worth it the Keystone Light #10?

I hope you all burn.

Back From The Dead

Sorry for being absent for so long. I was in Germany getting knee "surgery" with Greg Oden, A-rod, Bartello Colon, Kobe, and Brandon Roy.. then afterward I got so drunk with Dirk that I won't function for the next 7 months.

Off Season Happenings

For most people the off season is just as exciting (or more exciting) than the regular season.

Will Dwight Howard come to my team?
Which player will get in trouble with the law?
Which city will be in danger of losing their team?

Houston's Asian population is excited again. Brooklyn is licking their chops. LA (both teams) are making moves. And the best team in the NBA just got better by adding two three point threats.

Everyone is watching Team USA and having a great summer.

Except Phoenix..

It happened. No seriously. It really did. Even after he said it would be hard putting on a Laker jersey because of all the playoff battles. The two-time MVP has left Phoenix.

This prompts many questions.

Such as...
How is Robert Sarver still the owner of the Suns? When Kings did a shitty job they were overthrown and burned alive. The city of Phoenix has slowly watched Joe Johnson, Amare Stoudemire, Shawn Marion, and now their most famous (and favorite) player leave. Like the victims in Cabin Fever, the resident of PHX have been watching their city rot away for the past 5 years, and now there is nothing left but bones and misery.

I hate when athletes use their family as an excuse to make decisions. You want to be closer to your children? AND you're a pro athlete? That doesn't make any sense. You should want to be as far away as possible, just ask Kobe Bryant...you're new teammate...
Just say it like it is. You wanted to join the most consistent team in NBA history. You want to win a ring, and you know Stern loves pleasing all those season ticket holding Hollywood Jews.

And what the hell did the Lock Out and the CBA even accomplish?
The Lakers are stacking, Brooklyn is trying, Miami IS stacked.
I thought smaller teams were going to better protected, I thought teams like the Bucks and Kings would have an equal chance! I thought those 6 months the NBA was in lockout meant something!

Silly fucking me. The NBA is for children who have yet to be shit on.

The Dumpys!!!

Welcome to the first annual Dumpy Awards. Where we like to knowldge those who underachieve, lack talent, give up, and thrive in dumpiness.

Without further adieu...the Dumpys:

Dumppiest T shirt award: Dwight Howards "Loyalty" shirt

Honestly? For two years you make an entire city (and organization) think you're going to leave. Meanwhile, other cities and fans are drooling at the mouth to have you play for them. GM's are scrambling to land you in their city. All while your coach gets fired (because of you), gm fired (because of you), and teammates don't want to play with you (because of you)... but when you decide to stay for 1 MORE YEAR you're considered loyal? I bet Melo and LeBRON change their minds now after seeing these shirts. 

Dumppiest Team Award: The Detroit Pistons

I know most of you were thinking the Charlotte Bobshats were going to receive this award. The reason the Shats didn't win is because we know they're a team. All year long we were reminded of how bad Charlotte was doing. The entire country watched as each loss tallied towards monumental dumpy season. What about Detroit?

**Last night friend looking at the results of the draft on their phone

Hornets... Bobcats... Thunder... Detroit.. Detr..? Oh man, I totally forgot that Detroit had a team.

Dookie of the Year

Sorry Sacramento, you don't have a stadium to play your games, you don't have a coach, and you don't have "college" Jimmer. What you got is a below average honky that Cousins and Evans play keep away from. All those white Sacramento folk travel through the farm land to see Jimmer hit 3's from half court, and instead they get Tyreke Evans slowly convincing them that losing their team to another city isn't so bad after all. 

Most Dumpy (Bitter) City: Tie, Seattle/Cleveland 

Seattle was robbed of the SuperSonics and they.will.not.let.you.forget.it. 

Spend a half a years income to dress up like zombies, make signs, income to travel to Miami, and root against your old team. I love it. Good job guys, you may have been the reason why OKC lost. 

Cleveland is one dumpy city. But that wont stop them from being downright sour. 

I'm not sure what to make of this really. Its kinda like your ex girlfriend, teaming up with a newer ex girlfriend in hopes that you fail at life?? But OKC had nothing to do with this shirt. Cleveland took it upon themselves to make this shit, without OKC's consent, and sell them at bars while watching LeBRON win his championship. And how does Seattle feel about this shirt. "Won't steal your Thunder"?? This shirt has FAIL written all over it. You piss off Seattle by reminding them, you didn't ask OKC if they wanted to team up, and LeBRON wins.

But I do love it, and if anyone from Cleveland sees this I would love a shirt. 


The Dump of the Year: 


Before we celebrate the Best of the Worst, allow us to recap on some of the more dumpier players in the league.

Kapono: Shooting dump
Bibby/Baron Davis: Broken Dumps
Golden State Warriors: Dumpy GM
Raptors: Foreign Dump
Yi Jianlian: Damn I forgot about him, Can't believe he was a lottery pick DUMP
Boozer: Can't screw over any more cities cause he sucks DUMP

BUT THE BIGGEST DUMP OF THEM ALL IS: 


LAMAR ODOMMMMMMMMM


I know I've been hard on Lamar in the past for missing right handed lay ups, underachieving, and shooting too many 3s. Last year he proved me wrong....buuuttt this year he proved me 1000 percento correcto!!

How does a player go from being the 6th man of the year to the D-League, to being cut from the team? Too many packs of purple Skittles? Too many trips to Pound Town with Chloe?

What makes Lamar so dumpy? Its not a case of ability, but of attitude! The constant soap opera of "Will Lamar show up tonight?" Nope, well send his ass to the D-League, "No coach! I promisseee I'll play hard tonight,," WRONG AGAIN! CUT FROM THE FUCKING TEAM!!1

6th MAN OF THE YEARRR!!! Would Ginobli or Harden ever do this?!

Lets face it, Lamar has always been an underachiever, he was supposed to be the Pippen to the Laker's Jordan, But then become a role player.. and then became a bench player.. then a D-league player.. to a nothing player.

This is a classic case of a spoiled athlete who will only compete for a few teams. And with free agency being the way it is, we're going to see a lot more players do this in the future.

But for now, Lamar, you are the Dumpiest player of the year. You should be proud, you beat out some stiff competition: Javale McGEE, Rudy Fernandez, Derek Fisher, Luc Mbah a Moute, Channing Frye.

Glyding Through Hate

Sometimes I don't need to say anything...

Clyde Drexler:

"Magic was always..." And Drexler goes into a decent Magic impression: "'Come on, Clyde, come on, Clyde, get with me, get with me,' and making all that noise. And, really, he couldn't play much by that time. He couldn't guard his shadow."

"But you have to have to understand what was going on then. Everybody kept waiting for Magic to die. Every time he'd run up the court everybody would feel sorry for the guy, and he'd get all that benefit of the doubt. Magic came across like, 'All this is my stuff.' Really? Get outta here, dude. He was on the declining end of his career."

Drexler had played exquisitely in the 1992 All-Star Game in Orlando, although the MVP award eventually went to Magic, who had been added by Commissioner Stern as a special thirteenth player to the Western Conference roster. "If we all knew Magic was going to live this long, I would've gotten the MVP of that game, and Magic probably wouldn't have made the Olympic team."

Couldn't guard his own shadow

If we knew he was going to live this long...

...Everyone felt sorry for the guy.

This is tremendous

American Nightmare

What's more baller than triple doubling your way to a championship?
Answer: Lebron wearing a shirt of Lebron as a vampire while celebrating your championship. Duh.

RECAPPPP


Miller Time
I guess championship clinching games heal bad groins, knees, back, and wrists. But also give you the uncanny ability to take the worst chargers of the season. The country was not ready for Mike Miller to revert back to old Mike Miller, and either was the Thunder (ooo burn).


Worst Championship Interviewer
Stuart Scott you are awful. 
"Where's LeBRON when you need him? Right here. Come here Dwayne Wade"
He had one real sour question per big 3.
"Hey Bosh, how does it feel to be the forgotten big 3" **Boos**
"D Wade, when did you realize you needed to defer to LeBRON?" **Boos**
Miami, good job Booing (Bonus points for booing the commissioner)

Durant MVP
I had more than a few bitter fans tell me they thought Durant was the leagues MVP. I'll admit that Durant is the runner up, but that gap between runner up and MVP is a big one. That triple double in the clinching game proved it... Speaking of Durant..

DLF Quote of The Night
kd is crying!! aahhaaahahaha

Thunder
Why didn't they win? Westbrook? Harden? Too young?
NO NO NO

#thebasedgodcurse

Don't know Lil B Based God?




What a great (terrible) way to end this post.

Final Countdown

I hate that song.
Westbrook going beast, Bron going Pierce, Bosh going dinosaur, Thunder fans go cry baby, and Sonic fans don't forget.

Westbrook
How can Russel be the best and worst player for the Thunder? Score 40 pts, and lose the game? Too be fair, if it weren't for him the Thunder wouldn't have a chance (Where the hell is Harden?). But this is the NBA, and shit ain't fair, just ask LeBRON. Westbrook probably won't be remembered for his 40 points, but instead his turnovers and his inability to pass to Durant in the closing minutes of the game. The only person on the court that can stop Durant is Westbrook. Spoelstra should go shake that guys hand.

Bosh
He has one of those 'dinosaur' moments each game it seems. He gets a rebound, loose ball, or an and-1...then loses it. Gets up, flexes his muscles, and spits all over the first row. Shows more emotion than the rest of the Heat team combined. I love it.

REFS
Someone call the WAmbulance for all those Thunder fans who claim the refs are missing a bunch of calls. Maybe if the Thunder could win on their homecourt, hit free throws, and find James Harden, they'd be winning games. But, if these refs make the people of Oklahoma suspicious of the NBA's behavior I'm all for it. Speaking of suspicious NBA behavior...

Sonics Gate
Bless the peoples of Seattle for never forgetting. Two dudes dressed in Sonic jerseys, and white face paint sat behind the Thunder bench rooting against them. Throwing up a green and yellow sign expressing their displeasure with the Thunder. Stop worrying about the refs, and just be happy you have a team Oklahoma (because what else do you got besides BiBi Jones?)

Check out the Sonic fans HERE

BRON
Could play with one leg and still be better than 90% of the league.
Xoxoxox

Video of the Weak

 What's better than a flopper? Two duh.
Imagine if that were Fisher and Battier. Two of the most prolific "half-court" floppers in the game?
It would've been something else.
 sorta like this..

Finals Preview

Ex-Sonics - Heat
Heat in 6

Check Mate

I woke up this morning excited. I had a feeling that tonight's game was going to be something special.

Either BRON tells the entire country to shut the fuck up, or the entire country laughs a deafening "HA" in BRON's face.

I've been hearing about it from anyone and everyone. Earlier today I was at my neighborhood pool, and someone was telling me they can't wait to see LeBRON lose. That he likes "Classic" teams like the Celtics.

I love how the nation's hate for LeBRON distorts into like for other teams.

The stage was set.

Spoelstra needs to go back to the Philippines

Break up the big three

Give Reiley a wheel chair

The Celtics had everything going in their favor. They won 3 in a row, they were coming back home for game 6, Bosh is banged up, Rondo is on fire, Pierce is clutch. Boston was about to go back to the finals.

The entire country had their anti LeBRON ammunition cocked and ready to fire.

He's not clutch!

He's a bum!

He Chokes again!

Moved to Miami and he still sucks

He's good til the fourth quarter

He's going bald!

But then LeBRON showed up to an elimination game, on the road, put the entire team on his back and willed his team to a shallacking of epic proportions.

45 (30 in the first half) pts of "I'm clutch."
15 rebounds of "I am the best in the league."
5 assists of "I woulda had more but no one else on my team can shoot...but I pass to them anyway cause I'm a nice guy"

All the analysts had to tuck their tail between their legs.
All the haters had to swallow their ammunition, and were reminded that The King is the best player on the planet, and proved tonight why he's deserving of three MVPs.

We could look to a 28 year old man who has accomplished more in 3 years than most have in a lifetime for inspiration, but instead we look at him to fail. Maybe it's because we've failed? Misery needs company? Or maybe because its just easier.

But while us schmucks are watching every move James makes in hopes to see him fail, he calmly trots backwards with his headband strategically placed high, mouth piece loosely fit in his mouth telling the entire nation to Shut the fuck up.

And we should.

Rondo Rage

The fans have spoken, so here we are.
Sorry for the lack of updates, but when there are only 4 teams left playing things get a little stale.
Except when ESPN decides to give Rondo blowjobs on air.

I'm so God damn sick of hearing comparisons of Rondo to Bird, Hevlicek, and Cousy I could scream.

The guy is a slightly above average point guard at best. The only thing he's good at is getting rid of the ball. And he has three hall of famers to throw it to. Put that schmuck on the FailBlazers and lets see how good he is. Who's gana bail him out? Batum?!
The bum shoots lousy from the free throw line, worse from three, and the only shot he makes consistently is that dumb "fake wrap around the back" lay up.

And to make matters easier for Rondo Spoelstra can't control his team, and there is absolutely no inside presence. Garnett looks like the Big Ticket against the White Soft Heat.

How can Rondo be considered a great PG when all defenders need to do is give him space? Remember when Kobe was considered the best defender since Jordan because he gave Rondo 5 feet to shoot?? AND HE WOULDN'T! Give Nash/cp3/D rose 5 feet and they burn you straight to hell sucka.

The only thing Rondo is good at (that I'll give him credit for) is knowing how and when to talk shit. That half time hate he spit at game 4 was a thing of beauty.
But I do find it ironic that a guy who plays alongside Paul Pierce (who left the game in a wheelchair only to come back and play perfectly fine) has the audacity to blame the other team for crying.

F you Celtics.

Playoffs III

Ya  I wasn't able to put up a Playoffs II, but in case you're wondering I picked the OKC LAL, and MIA IND series correctly.

Playoffs III

OKC SAS 
The best series thus far in the playoffs. Finally two talented well playing teams playing against each other. No more games of 'old team' trying desperately to slow down 'athletic team' to a boring pace. As much as I hate OKC for stealing the Seattle Supersonics, I hate the Spurs even more for what they did to the Suns year after year, after year. It pains me to say this: The spurs are a well-oiled machine, a run away locomotive, a fat chick at a buffet, nothing can stop them. They remind me of the Mav's from last year. Everyone knows what they're doing, and when to do it. And they have a great coach (and interviewee).
Spurs in 5 games of holy crap I hate the Spurs.

MIA BOS
MIA in 5

*Editors note - Fuck the Celtics. Fuck the Spurs, Fuck Mr. Bennet. And fuck the playoffs. Besides Clippers Grizzlies, how many good series' have we had? Thanks for the fucked of season/playoffs commissioner Stein. 

DLF Part II

Lakers get by Denver (barely) and now face OKC... Here we go

DLF: So do you have LAL in 5 or 6?

Me: OKC in 5

DLF: Pfft get outta here. Pau and Bynum alone takes it to 6. Kobe is good to push it to 7.
DLF: Plus have you seen MWP? Dude is on a mission.
DLF LA is a good match up with OKC. They have Perkins not manimal.

Me: You also have Kobe who sucks.
Me: And no bench.
Me: Zero bench.
Me: Negative bench.

DLF: Ya something like that, We had no bench last series too
DLF: We had no bench all year.

Me: Weren't LAL supposed to beat Denver easily?

DLF: Ya but Bynum got lazy and overconfident. He has no reason to do that this series since he's the underdog.
DLF: Plus didn't the Celtics get pushed to seven games in their first two rounds in 2008 when they should have crushed those teams, but then cruised by the last two rounds and won the championship.
DLF: Sometimes its about match ups and not how good the team actually is.

Me: Are you really bringing up the 2008 Celtics?
Me: How are the Lakers a good match up with a team that crushed them twice during the regular season?

DLF: What killed us against Denver were their bigs have a lot of energy and that killed our lazy pussy bigs. But all OKC has is Ibaka.
DLF: The rest of OKC's bigs are slow like our bigs.

ME: The whole Lake Show is slow.

DLF: Pfft, not Sessions homie.
DLF: Plus Denver was way deeper than OKC. OKC plays Mohammed and Fisher.
DLF: FISHER!!! Dude got cut from our team.

Me: You don't need a great bench to be LAL, you just need A BENCH.

DLF: You can cheat off Fisher and double Harden. You couldn't cheat off anyone on Denver.

ME: I can't believe you brought up the 2008 Celtics.

DLF: I mean do you think that if a team struggles a weak team they'll automatically get crushed by a better team?
DLF: Because never has a team struggled with a weak team and then put up a fight against a better team.

Me: I'd say its likely.

DLF: If we had MWP we woulda beat Denver sooner.
DLF: You need to admit MWP is a big upgrade from Barnes.

Me: That's not saying much.
Me: I still don't see how OKC is a good match up for the Lakers.

DLF: Their bigs are slower than Denver and their bench isn't as deep.
DLF: Yeah their overall talent is better but I'd say our starting 5 can hang with theirs as long as Bynum and Gasol stay engaged.
DLF: Their bench won't kill ours as much as Denver did. *

Me: Are you watching the game?

DLF: Naw. Was gana watch the 4th.

Me: Ohhhh now this is making sense.

DLF: Is it bad?
DLF: Just saw it on ESPN. OKC up 31.
DLF: Its cool, just one game...

* Editors note: Lakers bench 26, OKC 50.

Pooper Hero

One of my favorite times of the year is finally here.

No I'm not talking about the second round of the NBA playoffs... its NBA/Movie promo time!!!

Yes a league so broke and desperate for money that commissioner Stine decides to split NBA playoff commercials with summer blockbusters such as the Fantastic Four and Van Helsing.

This years lucky movie: The Avengers


Unlike the other movies mentioned earlier, I actually want to see this one. I hope the lack of good post season play doesn't poison my interest in Stark and friends...but let me get to the point.

NBA players as super heroes? Are you serious? Could there be a worse athlete to protect humanity??

What's Reuben Patterson's super hero power? To piss on a babysitter from a block away?
Can Derek Rose and his illegal SAT score out-smart a thief?
Do you really want  Darius Miles to save your wife if she's being mugged? She'd feel safer with the muggers.

There's no game 7 in saving humanity. Which means one would need to work hard everyday..all day..

I would rather the fate of the world be in the hands of Joseph Stalin than Lamar Odom... at least we know what we're getting ourselves into..

Video of the Weak

 This video is significant for a few reasons. For one, the Mavericks miserable fucking season is now over. This was probably the worst year a championship team could have. How did this happen? Lets look at the facts.

1. Your superstar spent the entire (extended) off-season getting drunk, eating cured meats, and partying. Absolutely no training. That tells me that either Dirk has given up, or that he believes everyone else in the league is doing the same thing...  which brings me to my next point..

2. Lamar Odom. What initially appeared to be a steal for the Mavs turned out to the be their breaking point. Who would have guessed the 6th man of the year was really the Laziest, Dumpiest, I got my feelings hurt and now I'm back to sucking super bad, man of the year. F U L O. FULO thats the motto.

Everyone in Dallas should be thanking OKC for putting the Mavs out of their misery.

Playoffs vs Reality

It happens to every hardcore fan. Your pride starts to cloud your mind and you can't see straight. You begin to start making predictions with your heart and not your brain. So much that you tend to lash out at strangers.

WELCOME THE DELUSIONAL LAKER FAN

A team on a steady decline and fans won't except it.

Here is my text conversation with my DLF
-----

ME: OKC, LAL, how's it going down?

DLF: Bloodbath
DLF: lakers win 1 in okc
DLF: OKC come back and wins one in LA
DLF: Lakers win game 6 in okc
DLF: Game 5*
DLF: Close in LA
DLF: That's all she wrote

ME: So it goes 7?

DLF: Nope six
DLF: Lakers win game 6 la. God just tapped me on the shoulder and told me so.
DLF: Lakes.in.6.

ME: oh yes

DLF: Thank me later
DLF: it has already been written my friend. I'm just a middle man passing along this information from above.

ME: What does d fish say to kobe once they win the series?

DLF: he cries than retires.

ME: No once OKC wins

DLF: You must not understand what I'm saying here nick.
DLF: Ur boy (DLF) has seen the future.
DLF: back to he future
DLF: Mcfly jones
DLF LAKERS IN 6!!!!

Playoffs - Round One

Its the most entertaining part of a very underwheming season (league).

East

Hawks Celtics
ZZzzzZzzz. This is possibly the best worst series of the playoffs. Can the Hawks constant under achieving by outdone by the aging/beatup/stupid Rondo Celtics? You gotta love a league that gives you terrible vs terrible scenarios.
Hawks in 'who gives a shit'

Orlando Pacers
Another series that has been dominated by bad news. Orlando (and one of the NBA's) best is out for the entire series setting up an easy win for all those honkies in Indiana.
Indiana in 6 but should've been 4

Bulls 76ers
Hey guess what? More fucking bad news. Rose is out, again, with a torn ACL. The Bulls should be used to this ya? Except they can't beat up on the Nets, Shitcats, or the Wizards. What I'm most happy about is that I've been telling everyone that the Bulls aren't winning the Championship, and now everyone agrees.
76ers in 'we don't deserve it, but we'll take it'

Heat Knicks
Heat in 4

West

OKC DAL
Everyone's been giving me beef because I'm not interested in this series.
Hey man the games have been close! You should watch.
Close but Dallas is down 0-2. Close because Durant has been struggling. Watching two shitty teams does not make up for one good game. It makes for one extra shitty game. Btw, could any team look less motivated than Dallas. Just send them on vacation already.
OKC in 5 But Dallas wishes it was 3

PHX... OH wait, they fucking blew it. Bye Bye Steve Nash

Utah Spurs
ZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZzzZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ in ZZZZZZZZZzzZzzzzzzzzzz

Memphis LAC
Thee best series in the playoffs right now. Memphis' record is misleading due to injuries. These guys should have been a 3, or easy 4 seed. Clippers are out to prove that they don't need Butler, or Billups or a coach to make it far in the playoffs.
Clippers in 7 (Thanks for cp3 heroics)

LAL Denver

Lets all watch Javele McGee play himself out of the NBA, Kobe jacking up shot after shot, Bynum afraid to jump, and Mike Brown looking for LeBRON on the bench. The classic match up of up-tempo, fast break basketball against, slow-it-down-lets-take-advantage-of-our-size ball.
Lakers in 5 because we got tired.

Can't wait for Round 2 to disappoint

Metta World WAR

What is David Stern's job as the commissioner? Being Jewish of course. And by that, I mean making money. How does he make money? Ratings. How does he get ratings (not by good basketball obviously) - by DRAMA! Where do you find drama? Easy, bring back Ron the Bomb in time to face the man he 'unintentionally' KO'ed.

7 games is entirely bullshit. Its way too small of a punishment - especially considering Bomb's past. I'm not sure what kind of message this sends to the rest of the league. Maybe its that giving a concussion to a star player only gets you a two week suspension. In that case, what's to stop teams sending in bruisers to intentionally rough up another team?

Hey Indiana why don't you put Lou Admundson in the game to 'unintentionally' low bridge Derek Rose? Lou is gone for two weeks, but Rose could be out for months (maybe the season).

And here's the thing that really gets me.

People that say the impact of Hardens injury should not influence Bomb's suspension.

This is saying all intentional elbows to the head are a 7 game suspension. No matter the players involved, and no matter the consequences.

IN THAT FUCKING CASE JUST MAKE MIAMI'S WHOLE BENCH ASSASSINS CAUSE THEY AIN'T DOING MUCH ELSE.

An intentional elbow to the head gets you seven games??! Seven games?!

No, it gives you a small breather til you come back in the second round in which you face the man you elbowed. In that case, ratings go through the roof and fat cats get more fucking fatter.

Editorial note: I normally don't like writing on the most popular/current NBA happenings because they're all over the media but I just felt this was necessary. Expect something more my style soon.

Trash Day

Welcome to the worst time of the season. Garbage time.

In any other sport this becomes the most exciting part for teams.
Who will make it into the playoffs?! Every game matters. Fans on the edge of their seats.
Fortunately for us basketball fans we don't need to endeavor such stress and anxiety.

Teams know who is going to be in the playoffs and who isn't. So this is what you got:

Teams at the top that are resting their players.
Teams in the middle who are resting (on the court)
Teams who aren't making it, and are tanking on purpose to get a lottery pick.

Games turn into 48 minute long scrimmages with very little defense/enthusiasm.

I think I watched a Golden State game with a total of 10 field goals at the half.

Could this be a case of the regular season is too long? Possibly. Do players and teams need more of an incentive to win? Imma tell you what though. The real losers of this whole thing are the people that pay to go to the games.

Could you imagine paying $$$ and marquee players are resting on the bench? It would be like going to a Kings - Hornets game.. every night...

God damn you basketball, I don't know how you trick me to watching you, but you always do, and I hate myself for it.

START THE PLAYOFFS ALREADY

Video of the Weak

What's becoming great about Vince Carter is trying to determine which team he has sucked the worst on.

Was it Orlando when he tanked their Championship dreams?
The Suns when he made a shitty team suck worse (Only Carter has this ability..and maybe Eddie House)
Maybe it's Dallas, a championship team that has zero chance of making it to the WCF because of Vinsanity.
Or classic Carter ruining an entire franchise such as the Raptors (and subsequently given them the ugliest jerseys of all time)

Odom

Is a dump.
I've been saying it for years.

That is all

FanDUMB

Here's a line of hate streamed directly at your fucking face.

I'm sick to my god damn stomach about people complaining about 'exciting teams.'

You only like them because they're exciting

What the fuck? Why else would I like them? Because they're slowly winning championships by bank shots and garbage put backs? No, because if I did, I would be a front running piece of shit.

There are three types of fans. Those that became fans due to proximity, excitement, or winning.

(in a girl voice) I like #$@%$$%# because I live in their city.

So if you're born in the south its cool for you to enjoy segregation? If you grew up in New York its okay for you to be a dick your whole life? People from Boston have a free pass to be social assassins?

I like The @#$%$# because my parents exposed me to them...

So if your parents EXPOSED you to bulimia you'd still be throwing up?

Just because your parents are front running cock suckers doesn't mean you need to be

Which brings me to my next point..

Your parents (or whoever started to like this team) did so because the team was exciting. Rather it be exciting because of their winning streaks, rad passing, or dunks it was exciting enough for them to become fans. )

People don't go on YOUTUBE, to watch highlights of the Spurs play the Pistons in the finals. (those teams may have not ever faced each other in the finals, I don't know because I don't give a shit about either team, BECAUSE THEY'RE BORING)

Point is, excitement is what made you a fan of the sport at an early age. As a kid you become a fan of players because they intrigue to watch the game because they're exciting. No one wants to grow up dreaming of grabbing offensive boards. They grow up wanting to smash a putback over some frumpy fuck for a game winner.

Hey dick, I'm older now and I appreciate the finer points of the game. I'm a purest.

That's you lying to yourself.

You liked a team that was exciting. But what happened? That team traded away their talent, or their talent got addicted to drugs and women and now that excitement is gone. So what do you do? You support a team by praising their new strengths... fundamentals.. Which just really means your team is now boring but you don't abandon them, and you're looking for excuses for them to seem watchable.

For those of you that like Winners.. your front running sellout shit fucks.

btwbtw. Don't talk basketball to me if you don't know how to play the game yourself. Which means if you can't hit a jumper I don't want to her your playoff predictions. Eat shit fuckers.

Go Fish

"mmm do you have an athletic point guard that can defend well enough not to give up 35 points?"

"Go Fish"

And yes Go Fish is right.
I can't believe I'm actually saying this but I'm rooting for Derek Fisher.

Don't get me wrong. I know the guy lied to get out of Utah, flops at half court, and can't move his feet. Call it mere luck that the same time Fisher gets traded for being TOO OLD, I get my invitation to my ten year high school reunion. Am I going to go? No.

I can't go. I can't allow myself to be nitpicked by assholes I haven't seen in a decade. I won't do it.

"Yeah I'm just finishing law school and I'm engaged!! How are you loser?"
"I write a real sour blog about how much I dislike NBA basketball..."

Ya that would go over real well.

So you know what? Best of luck to you Derek Fisher. I hope you ride in Kevin Durant's backpack all the way to your sixth championship so you can rub it all over Kobe Bryant's face.

Getting old SUCKS

Video of the Weak

This isn't as weak as it is AWESOME.



This owner gets it from the fans. GETS IT.
This is so painful to watch its wonderful.

This should happen EVERYNIGHT for Suns, Magic, Nets, Bobcats, Toronto, New Orleans.

Clipper games should begin with the crowd throwing rotten eggs on the court.
Oklahoma games should start with stolen pieces of fish from Seattle being hurled at players.

Its about time fans take their displeasure out on the owners; who are just as guilty, if not more guilty, for a teams lack of success.

If you really wanna piss off these money hungry fucks I suggest stop going to games. And definitely don't spend 10 dollars on a beer or corn dog while you're at the game.

But if you decide you need to go to a game to watch one of your all time favorite players get their jersey retired. Make sure you BOO the hell out of the owner while they're trying to make a honorable speech. But watch out for other hall of famers with suede jackets and granny-style freethrows..

Sob City

A season that promised dunks, lob dunks, poster dunks, and maybe a trip to the western conference finals, is falling apart fast. And I mean, REALLY fast.

Losing to under manned teams and generally playing uninspired basketball.

Could it be the Clipper Daryl curse? ( Sterling doesn't like black people making money off his name)

Could it be that Del Negro is being exposed as the crap coach he was in Chicago?

I'll tell you who couldn't be happier.. Laker fans

All season Laker fans have been calling Clipper followers front runners (the irony runs so deep).

And now that the Clippers have been free falling since Billups went out, purple and gold boners have been popping up everywhere saying "we told you so."

I love the hate that is surrounding the LA area, takes me back to the early nineties to all those race and gang riots. If Laker and Clipper fans had a riot who wold win?

Well it depends on the team... are we talking Travis Knight Lakers or Elton Brand Clippers? Cause if we are... no one would show up. Everyone's a front runner in this town.

Blue Balls

I have been receiving numerous emails, phone calls, and text messages asking where I've been.
Allow me to recap the past week of my life.

Spring Training
My whiteness is really beginning to show. I drove to Tempe AZ to watch some pre season baseball.

Why the hell would you drive that far to watch some cracker baseball?

Here are a few reasons why pre season baseball is better than the NBA

1. Great tickets for like 15 bucks.
2. ASU chicks prowling
3. Unlike Charles Barkley, players autograph stuff

And it turns out I didn't miss anything.

Basketball blue balls

Trade deadline looming. Dwight Howard moving. Celtics trading. Lakers scrambling. Suns contemplating....nothing.

Dwight Howard moving was the one thing guaranteed this season - beside the Heat winning it all. And it doesn't look like he's going anywhere. Which means the Magic might as well be cut from the league. Along with the Raptors, Hornets, Wizards, Kings, and Nets.

All this talk about action and nothing going down...you can get yourself kicked out of a car for that kind of stuff.

The Lakers big three should be Arenas, Kobe, and Rasheed Wallace. What happened to that?

The Bachelor

Yes, I have been watching the bachelor, and I tell you what, watching those STD free ladies put their morals aside in order to "fall in love," has been much more entertaining then this injury ridden piece of shit regular season.

Video of the Weak

In honor of the Lakers continuing to suck giant donkey dick on the road, I've decided to post a vid for their fans.

John Ireland with his compact getting himself nice and pretty for another Lakers loss.




I'm going to try my hardest to stop talking about the Lakers.

I'm sick of the 'masked mamba,' their win over Miami, and people thinking they could actually make it to finals.

No one likes to watch two 7 footers clog the paint, clean up Kobe's garbage, and alley-oop without jumping.

I'll talk about the Lakers once they make a trade move or something, but until then I'll continue to watch teams that are entertaining.

ChampionSHIT

Here's a short math lesson.

There have been 61 championships

The Lakers and Celtics have combined for 52 appearances. That's an 85% chance you're going to see either the Lakers or the Celtics in the finals.

Lakers and Celtics have combined 32 of the 61 trophies. That's more than half.

The next closest are the Bulls with a lovely 6 (thanks to some Jerk named Jordan)

Then it goes down to 4 by Popovich and the Spurs.

76ers, Pistons, and Warriors have 3

Knicks and Rockets have 2

The rest of the league has one EXCEPT FOR:

Nets, Magic, Suns, Jazz, Cavs, Raptors, Grizz, Nuggets, Hornets, Clippers, Bobcats, Timberwolves, and the Pacers all have a BIG FAT FUCKING ZERO.

That's almost half the league without a championship. 8 of those have never even graced the finals. That's almost a third of the league.

Point is: The league is ran by big market teams, LA, Boston and Chicago are at the top. Then there are a bunch of freaks, and then there those that are constantly shit on. And there are A LOT of people getting shit on.

I suppose I should introduce some way for teams to spread the wealth, and think of ways for smaller market teams to compete. But lets face it, with free agency it's never going to happen.

The league is severely fucked. Historically and continually.

This whole thing reminds of 90s wrestling. When there are about 4 wrestlers that matter. Than a bunch of jobbers that get fucking murdered every night.

Worst part? We still watch as history repeats itself without anyone doing a damn thing about it.

Weekly Poll - McGEE GOALTEND

Maybe I should finally write about this..

You guys voted a while ago and thought that the Wizards would win 15 games.

And ya know what? Half way point of the season, at 7-25, you guys are right. They would end up around 15 games. My audience is so smart I love it.

But don't let this record at the midpoint of the season fool you. There's a great chance the Wizards could only win 3 more games for the rest of the season.

BUT I LOVE THIS



I love this for so many reasons.

1. Its against the Kings (who also suck)
2. McGee knew what he was doing and didn't care
3. Crowd interaction. I love foul balls in baseball, I love this
4. McGee is a time bomb

Fans (if there are any) should be happy McGee is on their team. Its perfect reason to spend 20 bucks to a game you don't know WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN.

Fans pay in HOPE to see Kobe hit a game winner, in HOPE to see Bron smash on someone...now DC fans pay and HOPE McGee goes nuts.

I think McGee is becoming my favorite player..

REAL LIFE SUCKS

Chipotle Lines

Since the podcast is a on a bit of a hiatus (like most of the shitty bands PTB likes), I thought I would just write one instead.

This has to be happen to everyone at least once who goes to Chipotle. Now I know I have a lot of vegans, and Hindus that read this site, and they're not down to eat some organic chicken. But for those of us that like to get ripped off now and then, we go to Chipotle.

First of all, the line is always absurdly long, and the reason why? Because they're always some chump in the front of the line that hasn't heard of the internet. Depending on the time of day, this person is in different forms.

Around noon: A woman in cheap business attire holds an ungodly list of all her colleagues orders. Its already shitty that she's ordering 5 burritos and 10 tacos, but each order is a shit storm of complicated nonsense. And please Lord Chipotle employee, don't fuck up, it'll only hold the line back further.

Evening: Some shit face College student sent by his dorm friends to pick up their dinner. This is what I don't understand: This kid probably spends 80% of his time on the internet plagiarizing, looking at internet porn, and stalking on Facebook. How does he not know he can order online?

I believe there's even an iPhone app for all this shit. C'mon people, get with it. Stop wasting everyone's valuable time.

If you're gana hold up the line, you should buy everyone waiting guacamole... cause that ISH is dumb expensive...or maybe we should go get some real Mexican food. Mexican food in general is a rip off. Rice, beans, cheese, chicken, 7 bucks? That's a whole separate topic though.

Video of the Weak

Firs they move you to the bench, then they forget your name..

ESPN RACIST

Oh it felt so good write that. Usually I'm complaining about how biased ESPN is towards the east coast and the SEC.
Normally the only time I'm mentioning about ESPN being racist is when Stephen A Smith is spraying spit at Skip Bayless (and the nation)

"Chink in the Armor"

This is what I don't understand:
ESPN is not some amateur blog. There isn't some loner out there posting rude and absurd shit.
This headline must have went by at least 3 people before it went live.

Who was in charger approving, "Yeah, Chink the armor is good. Its clever. Good Job.... . . .. OH SHIT!"

Hey man your blog is racist, shallow, and trite

Yes all that is true. But that's why you come to NBHate. You come for the shallow, racist, perverted, useless information. That's why I'm here! We go to ESPN for actual (biased) information.

ESPN, stick to what you do best. Manipulating stats and sucking the SEC's dick. Leave the racist remarks to schmucks like myself.

Valentines/LINsanity ii

In a league that is dominated by stories of rape, babysitter urination, and spouse cheating. I'm going to get away from all that, and write about my NBA man crush.

as much as I enjoy freak shows and talking about absurdities, there is nothing wrong with my man Pau Gasol. He's a dreamboat. And I'm not even a Lakers fan, far from it actually.

He took the Lakers from first round losers to champions. He leads his Spaniards into FIBA. He has off the court lady issues. He's soft as a kitten. During the off season when his teammates are changing names, he's volunteering at hospitals. He takes potential trades in stride. And to top it all off, he's more well spoken than any other Lakers, AND HIS NATIVE LANGUAGE IS NOT ENGLSH! God he makes us Americans look bad.

Oh Mr Gasol, will you, your handsome stubble, and your soft hands please become my Valentine's and save me, just like you save the Kobe?

-----------------

Lin Part 2

Oh this story has everything I love about sports, an underdog, racism, and speculation.Let us begin with the speculation.
No one can feel worse about LINsanity than Carmelo Anthony. Everyone is projecting that the superstar of the Knicks is going to make them worse. So much hate I love it.

"We have so much of a good thing going on right now... what if our best playa is gana ruin it!?" (NYC accent)

Adding a good player to a decent time is going to make them worse? It COULD happen.. Allen Iverson? Gilbert Arenas?..

Anyway, the main reason why I'm writing this is because of Lin's game winner against Toronto (who blow every game they play)

The crowd goes absolutely BANANAS. Which is expected if the game was played in New York, BUT IT WASN'T! IT WAS PLAYED IN TORONTO!

If you watch the footage again, you can see the crowd go berserk over this guy. It has to make everyone wearing those god awful Raptor jerseys feel like absolute shit. Congratulations Toronto.

The first thing it reminded me of was watching an adolescent sports movie. Like Rookie of the Year, something of that nature. The crowd isn't coming to watch the sport being played, they're waiting for the underdog to excel! All those Canadians who don't give a shit about the Raptors got exactly what they asked for during that game.

And I have to admit, I am rooting for the same reason. I didn't believe the hype (that's my job). I was watching the Knicks play the Lakers while running a few miles on the treadmill (a guy has to stay fit man..or atleast try!) And I found myself cheering for him everytime he scored. At one point while running I actually put my arms in the air and yelled "JEREMY LIN."

I am selling out...

PS Pau I love you

LINsantiy

So I've been receiving hundreds of letters f hate mail about how I don't like Jeremy Lin, Let me explain why I don't like this player. Jeremy Lin reminds me of two different people..

Numero uno: Allow me to tell you story. Back when I was in college (yes I went to college) I took a "History of Punk Rock and Media" class (yes there is such thing). The class was awesome! We had this gnarly dude who was a punk/reggae dj on the weekend, saw all kinds of old punk footage of the Clash, Velvet Underground, Television, etc..

We're all having a killertime one afternoon talking about how much we enjoy vinyl records. The sound is crisp and vintage with the crackling of the needle hiting the record. Then.. "Jeremy Lin" speaks up.

"My favorite form of audio is mp3 240hz.."

"Oh that's great and all... but its fun to find a great vinyl!"

"I just download it... its real easy, and with the internet I can get it real fast."

"But when you buy vinyl you get the inside art, and its real cool to get to know the band."

"You can download the album cover.."

"..That's not the same..and vinyl has the best quality"

"No it doesn't"

"Actually it does, mp3s are from cds.. vinyl > cd"


"Actually, the human ear isn't very sophisticated, it can only identify quality to a certain level. Our ear can not tell the difference between vinyl and an mp3, I learned this in my computer science class...

Get the fuck out! Its a history of punk rock class! What the hell was this guy doing taking this class anyway??
Computer science, give me a break..

Numero dos: Remember in school, picking on the nerdy kid? No, you don't? Well some do. And what did the teacher say?

"Be nice to him, because one day he's going to be you BOSS."

"Ya the fuck righttttt"

... Jeremy Lin is now laughing at everyone that knocked up their girlfriend, working a dead end job, from the shoulders of the New Yorkers praising him..

OH AND THERE'S THIS

Kobe Passes Shaq (not the Ball) and Pierce Passes Bird

No one cares. I sure as fuck don't.

I hate this bullshit because people begin talking about "all time" greatness. I have to hear bullshit like, "Is Kobe the best Laker ever?"
"Is Pierce better than Bird."

If someone asked me that question (Bird and Pierce), I would punch them in the mouth. Even worse, if someone were to try and tell me that Kobe was better than Magic I would vomit in their mouth.

Maybe its just era we live in now, where no one likes to pass the ball to their teammates. But Bird and Magic made their entire team better

Hey man Kobe makes his team better

...yea tell that to Brian Cook and the rest of scrubs that played in game seven against the Suns...

The only thing stats like this are good for are for the media to make stories and shit storms between fans.

Quick Notes
Only nerds like Jeremy Lin
There are a gang of injuries in the league
Its only been one month of basketball (can you believe it???)
Kevin Love be stompin' fools out

We're Talking Knicks

I have no idea why we constantly talk or hear about the NY Knicks. They're the worst best team in the League. That label once belonged to the Hawks, but I can now say that the Knicks are the worst team being talked about. How do I know this?

1. They're waiting for Baron Davis to save them
2. Their record

The Knicks are a half-game better than the Cavaliers and...... THE NETS! Can you believe that?! With all the talk about New York you would think they'd make the playoffs. Which by the way, the NBA allows half its team in the post season.. you have Carmelo (overrated) and Amare and you can't make it?

I almost feel bad for all those bagel making, milk separating jews and their basketball. Not really though. I can't get over how they're always in the headlines. If it isn't Isiah Thomas groping someone, its their shitty play on national TV. Are people just waiting for this team to explode, and go on a 20 game winning streak? Unlikely.

May this be a lesson to all those superstars that want to join teams with one another. Not really. More like, here's a lesson to black holes who want to team up with other black holes: you won't ever get he ball.

But lets be honest, the real reason why the Knicks blow right now.. Mike Bibby

BG HATE

I'm gana write down two sentences, one of them is true, one of them is false:

- Alex Corthell pulls chicks

- Some people don't like Blake Griffin

Yes its true, some people don't like Blake Griffin. I don't know how its possible. It ranks up there with some of the most absurd things we've ever heard.

"Casey Anthony is WHATTTT>!>!"

"Arnold's nanny is WHATTT??@"

"YOU DON'T LIKE BLAKE GRIFFIN???"

It makes no sense. I hear all kinds of dumb arguments, that I don't have the time to go into. Basically people think he's overrated. I don't know how you can say that after last nights smash on Perkins and the Clips man-handle the best team (record) in the league.

"He's all show, he doesn't put up Klove numbers."
"He doesn't take late game shots."
"His D is bad"
"Busted Jumper"

For all those that don't like BG, you should take a moment and ask yourself if you like basketball...then you should cut off your balls with a plastic knife.

Jan 18 Podcast

shitty fans, titties, and....im too old?

Best of the Worst Part III

No Love

52 consecutive double doubles. Seriously though.... 52 in - a - row. Have you ever done anything for 52 days straight? Besides taking monster dumps, slacking off, and watching internet porn? I didn't think so.

K-Love had the best season last year (better than D Rose) and got absolutely no love.

Here's what really pisses me off though. If it were D Rose, Kobe, Lebron, Carmelo, Kevin Garnett, or anyone on a top team...this news would have been shoved down our throats like an RBJ.

I'll be the first to admit I didn't think Love would translate well into the NBA (I didn't think there was much need for excellent outlet passes). But the dude shows that hard work, a good amount of facial hair, and a nice diet can take you places that most white people can't go.

Oh, and I'm also sayin right now that the Twolves make the playoffs this year. 7-8 seed. You heard it here first.

We're talking Rubio to Williams
We're talking Love outlet to Beasley
We're talking Lou Ridnour.. Is still in the league?

Good times ahead in Minnesota.

Best of the Worst Part II

There are agendas in the league. Don't you forget it. Every year the NBA puts forward some rules and goals they would like to make a priority and uphold part of the season.



Remember a few years ago it was the bench rule. Players couldn't stand up off the bench when an altercation was taking place on the court. Or else a one game suspension was to be thrown down. The problem with this? Consistency. Since the rule being made they've hardly implemented it after the first year. Why? Because they realize how dumb it is.

Then when the Europeans began invading the NBA they brought flopping like it was smallpox. Infectious and everywhere. Then the league tried THIS. How many times has it happened since it was implemented? I don't know if there's ever been ONE! NICE SCARE TACTICS STERN!

Then last year. Remember how the league was going to put a stop to al the complaining to the refs. That you couldn't even "raise your arms" to a ref. And in the beginning of last season they were blowing the whistle and giving out techs like they were King season tickets. But again, the league stopped because of how dumb it was and now we have complaining again. Just like it never left.

And now this years agenda. It seems the league is trying to stop players from hanging on the rim during dunks. We've already seen Blake Griffin and LeBRON get called for it. What's the problem? Well for one its a tech, and enough techs leads to a suspension, and for something like hanging on the rim the consequence is pretty drastic. But really all the league is trying to do is take away from people that can dunk. How dare you. We only have a little more than a dozen really good dunkers, and to start penalizing dunking is gana turn every team into the Lakers, or worse...the SPURS.

This has gotten way to long, but what bugs me most about the NBA, and what everyone wants is consistency. You can't tell make a rule for part of a year, and then get rid of it. Because when it affects certain teams it pisses people off when its not called the same even though itS STILL IN THE RULE BOOK!! Godd mandit!11

GET UR RULEZ RITE HOMIE